Segue: The Prime number

Prime numbers are divisible only by 1 and by themselves. They hold their place in the infinite series of natural numbers, squashed, like all numbers, between two others, but one step further than the rest. They are suspicious, solitary numbers…

 

Sometimes he thought that they had ended up in that sequence by mistake… other times, he suspected that they too would have preferred to be like all the others, just ordinary numbers, but for some reason they couldn’t do it.

 

Twin primes: Pairs of prime numbers that are close to each other, almost neighbors, but between them there is always an even number that prevents them from truly touching. Numbers like 11 and 13, like 17 and 19, 41 and 43. If you have the patience to go on counting, you discover that these pairs gradually become rarer… that solitude is the true destiny. There is a common conviction among mathematicians that however far you go, there will always be anoher two, even if no one can say where exactly, until they are discovered.

 

Mattia thought that he and Alice were like that, twin primes, alone and lost, close but not close enough to really touch each other.

 

He never told her that

 

“Good book…” shrugged Gray as he put it on his nightstand before going to sleep, leaving him to his solitary thoughts. Perhaps he was just another one of those prime numbers…

 

Breaking Benjamin-

Give Me A Sign

 

Dead star shine

Light up the sky

I’m all out of breath

My walls are closing in

Days go by

Give me a sign

Come back to the end

The shepherd of the damned

 

I can feel you falling away

 

No longer the lost

No longer the same

And I can see you starting to break

I’ll keep you alive

If you show me the way

Forever – and ever

the scars will remain

I’m falling apart

Leave me here forever in the dark

 

Daylight dies

Blackout the sky

Does anyone care?

Is anybody there?

Take this life

Empty inside

I’m already dead

I’ll rise to fall again

 

I can feel you falling away

 

No longer the lost

No longer the same

And I can see you starting to break

I’ll keep you alive

If you show me the way

Forever – and ever

the scars will remain

I’m falling apart

Leave me here forever in the dark

 

 

God help me I’ve come undone

Out of the light of the sun

God help me I’ve come undone

Out of the light of the sun

 

I can feel you falling away

 

No longer the lost

No longer the same

And I can see you starting to break

I’ll keep you alive

If you show me the way

Forever – and ever

the scars will remain

 

Give me a sign

There’s something buried in the words

Give me a sign

Your tears are adding to the flood

Just give me a sign

there’s something buried in the words

Give me a sign

Your tears are adding to the flood

Just give me a sign

There’s something buried in the words

Give me a sign

Your tears are adding to the flood

 

Forever – and ever

The scars will remain

 

A/N: The intro text is an excerpt of Paolo Giordano’s “The solitude of Prime numbers” I have heard of the book before, but with the urging and reminder of Deane, I had secured a copy of it and it has me hooked. Its a great book.

 

“a stunning meditation on loneliness, love, and what it means to be human. A prime number is a lonely thing. It can only be divided by itself or by one, and it never truly fits with another. Alice and Mattia are both “primes”—misfits haunted by early tragedies. When the two meet as teenagers, they recognize in each other a kindred, damaged spirit. Years later, a chance encounter reunites them and forces a lifetime of concealed emotion to the surface. But can two prime numbers ever find a way to be together?”

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Chapter 2: The hedgehog’s Dilemma

The national mall was crowded at night, partly because of the storm raging outside. As bystanders and passers-by droned about talking of their daily lives, Two men sat on a mall bench engaged in a deep conversation.

 

“So let me get this straight?” the man asked scratching his head as he leaned back into his chair, “Grayson Pierce, former Navy Seal, high level degrees in chemistry and a master of taoist philosophy, one of the best analytical minds in the world, unsung hero, one of the best agents of an esteemed top-secret covert group and all around good guy is still hung over the same girl for one year? Get your shit together man.” He wasn’t a tall man, but well built and easy to spot because of the amount of hair he had all over him. A glorified man-bear if you will.

 

But Gray never underestimated him, with a degree in forensic criminology, Monk Kokkalis was not just a long time partner of his, he was one of his closest friends, and he knew Gray better than most people, well enough that Monk could talk to Gray like that without fear of violent retaliation. Gray, with all his analytical and objective prowess apparently got easily pushed over the edge when talking about certain issues, and this was one of them.

 

“Hell…” Monk followed up, “I don’t even understand why you still wear that damn necklace she gave you.” referring to the silver dragon necklace that hung from Gray’s neck.

 

Gray sighed, “Its a reminder…” for me to be wary of her, and of people like her that’s what he told himself, but Monk had heard it before that he cut Gray off mid-sentence and mid-thought.

 

“…that you have to be careful, and that you may not be as lucky next time, a promise and a warning. That’s what you said, but shouldn’t it be time for you to retire it? you’ve had that for over a year and half now.” Monk said slightly raising his voice. “Stop being sad, go be awesome instead.” That last commented garnered a chuckle from both men.

 

Then a short silence. That was the thing about Monk, always with the lightening up of the mood even when its serious. Monk knew however that his friend needed someone who could allow him to be vulnerable, but Gray went to him right now because he needed strength.

 

“Have you talked to Painter yet?” Monk asked. Painter Crowe was their boss, and also a friend.

 

Gray shrugged, “I haven’t talked to Painter nor Lisa in ages, they’ve been having their up’s and down’s lately, but I think they’re gonna be fine. They’re about to have their anniversary soon y’know.”

 

“Now that you mentioned it, you’re right. Time flies by so fast.” Monk replied before taking a sip of his drink, “How the hell did you manage to get Painter a girl because of that Nepal mission and you’re stuck here slumping again?”

 

Again, another laugh.

 

“He said I changed.” Gray told Monk.

 

“You did.” his friend replied. Gray didn’t deny it, he knew it after all. “How about Rachel? What did she say?”

 

Rachel Lane, Gray’s best friend, “Encouragement, objective opinions, even if she’s far away in Italy, it means a lot to me that she cares so much about this.”

 

“Of course she would, we all do.” Monk sternly replied. “Seichan… she’s different, we all know that.”

 

 

Its not everyday when the commander of SIGMA force can casually pack up and call it a night without having anything to worry about tomorrow, but these were one of those nights where work was light. However, Painter Crowe still sat behind his dimly lit desk finishing a call on the phone. After a few minutes, he hung up and went out to the lobby where Dr. Lisa Cummings was waiting for him.

 

“What was the hold up for?” she asked as she pecked him on the cheek and playfully punched his arm.

 

Painter took her hand into his as they walked, “Just Rachel, updating about Gray. Telling me to watch out for him.”

 

Lisa sighed, “Poor Gray, I didn’t think I’d see the day he would be like this.”

 

“Hedgehog’s dilemma.” Painter replied. Lisa looked at him and he looked back with worried eyes, yet quickly smiled and kissed her to reassure her. Lisa knew very well what that was: hedgehogs want to cuddle with one another to to keep warm during the winter, yet they can’t because their quills pierce the other and thus hurt each other. It was an analogy that is used usually for two people who share a close relationship, yet could not come any closer just so that they can avoid the pain.

 

She held Painter’s hand tighter. Though she felt sad for Gray, she couldn’t help but feel lucky for herself. And she knew Painter felt the same way.

 

 

That night, Gray stared at the sky on his own again. It wasn’t the first time he was in this situation. In fact, he was in the same one with Rachel a long time ago. The first time and the only time he swore to himself. Sure enough, as love came and passed, none presented the situation he was in right now. Rachel and he became the closest of friends after treading a long, dangerous and rocky road he hoped he would never tread again with another. But the assassin was, once again, an anomaly in his life. She had hurt him, and yet she wanted to be part of his life, so she had claimed. Yet why couldn’t he refuse? Moreover, why was he alright, and why did he want it to be that way as well?

 

But for that to happen, he had to give up his feelings. Surely it can’t be expected from him in one fell swoop. No matter how cold Seichan is, she was human enough to understand that. She hid very well in her stoic wall, but only he saw behind it. Even if she didn’t want to show him.

 

Why was it that she was so ashamed of him? So many excuses… Why couldn’t she just be honest? Trust him fully? That was all he needed, it made things a lot easier for the both of them. Yet the sincerity of her words, a plea for friendship and his understanding that that’s all it could ever be, why were they so strong that it always got him?

 

He never understood, at least not yet.

 

All he knew was that he still had a dilemma, and he still had a ways to go before he could find peace.

 

He was in a dilemma.

 

 

Boys like Girls

-Go

 

Little change of the heart, little light in the dark

Little hope that you just might find your way up out of here

‘Cause you’ve been hiding for days, wasted and wasting away

But I got a little hope, today you’ll face your fears

 

Yeah, I know it’s not easy

I know that it’s hard, follow the lights to the city

 

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong

Or you could spend your whole life holding on

Don’t look back, just go, take a breath, move along

Or you could spend your whole life holding on

You could spend your whole life holding on

 

Believe the tunnel can end, believe your body can mend

Yeah, I know you can make it through ’cause I believe in you

So let’s go put up a fight, let’s go make everything alright

Go on and take a shot, go give it all you got

 

Oh, yeah, I know it’s not easy

I know that it’s hard, no, it’s not always pretty

 

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong

Or you could spend your whole life holding on

Don’t look back, just go, take a breath, move along

Or you could spend your whole life holding on

You could spend your whole life holding on

 

Don’t wanna wake up to the telephone ring

Are you sitting down? I need to tell you something

Enough is enough, you can stop waiting to breathe

And don’t wait up for me

 

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong

You could spend your whole life holding on

And don’t look back, just go, take a breath, move along

You could spend your whole life holding on

 

Get up and go, take a chance and be strong

Or you could spend your whole life holding on

But don’t look back, just go, take a breath, move along

Or you could spend your whole life holding on

You could spend your whole life holding on

 

Don’t spend your whole life holding on, yeah

 

A/N: A few more characters were added today, some of them might be obvious as to who they represent. As for Monk, Painter, Lisa and Rachel, enough clues have been placed as to who they represent. All these characters are property of James Rollins and his Sigma Force novels. My favorite series and my favorite author. All used as a tool for my personal allegory on my situation. No copyright infringement intended. Think of it as an allegorical fanfic. Its the only way I can express myself right now without being so blunt as I record my progress and thoughts in my quest to find my own personal peace.

 

In case any reader also reads his novels. Even the timelines and dates of events and situations of Gray pierce et al here have been altered for that allegory.

Chapter 1: Picking up the pen

Alone in his own home, he picks up his pen and writes. Ah writing; what a bittersweet act for him to do. But alas, he can not deny who he is. No matter how he tried to repress his words. He wrote beautifully, he wrote happily, and try as he might to repress the sadness that would taint his writing, It has always been said that there is a distinct air of beauty in ones sadness.

Marie Digby taught him this in the words of her song, “Beauty in walking away”, truly, there must be some, if one searched hard enough.

And so he wrote:


One of my favorite stories is about a group of five friends, more like a family, and took an in-depth look at two of those five; a guy and a girl, who had feelings for each other. The guy, however, was too shy to admit it then as he worried about “timing” and “looking cool.” And so, filled with regret, he stood and watched her as she walked down the aisle and wed another man.

It’s plot involved a fairy who allowed the guy to travel back in time to try and win her heart and change his fate. As a certain friend would say; Time travel is a concept born out of regret. Make no mistake about it, he’s probably right, but you have to admit, it makes for good plots.

In one of the chapters of this hopeless love story, the fairy suggested that instead of trying to win her heart, he should go back and distance himself from her to spare himself of his current pain after failing to express his feelings to her during the multiple times he traveled back in time.

Even though it sounded like a good idea, and he started to distance himself from her and all of his friends by not going to the beach with them for the first sunrise of the new year, (An act which was described as totally unlike him because he was the guy who always wanted to be with his friends), he realized that no matter how he tried to change his past, his fate, he could not change his feelings. No matter how hard he tried to distract himself and release his frustration, he just could not.

In the end, the only thing that made him able to bear the pain was when his friends came back for him and looked for him during the time he pushed them away, all four of them, including the girl he so desperately loved in vain.

Sometimes, we just want to feel our worth, that there are people who won’t give up on us no matter how stubborn or hard we can be. We just want to feel that someone is looking for us and that we are important to them. That we’re not “Just another friend”

And sometimes, it just means a lot more if its the person you love, no matter if its requited or not, that went looking for you, because you are his/her friend. Sometimes, it makes the pain more bearable, and reminds you why you loved them in the first place. And suddenly, seeing them live their life, gets a little less painful.

And then, a knock at the door…

“Oi Gray!” called out his friend, “Time to go”

And so Gray put down his pen and left.

Boys Like Girls

-“Free” (from their demo cd)

Carry on, you won’t miss me when I’m gone

Won’t hear the phone ring

You won’t hear me sing

Yeah I’m guilty, guilty of everything

I’ll run away

Cause I’ve gotta find a place where you won’t know me

I wanna go so far

Oh I’m guilty, guilty of every charge

Throw away the horoscopes

And don’t you ever give up hope

Without me, you will be…

Free, without me

You’re free, without me

Settle down

And keep your feet touching the ground

You will be okay

You will see better days

Just watch me

Watch yourself fade away

I love your mind

I love your routine, daily grind

All the words you say

Oh your every day

Just watch me

You’ll see I’m gone away

Oh throw away the horoscopes

And don’t you ever give up hope

Without me, you will be…

Free, without me

You’re free

Free, without me

You’re free

Now don’t worry ’bout a thing

You can fly without my wings

I know you’ll make it on your own, I know

Yeah if you stand up and be strong

I know you’ll carry on

And I know that you will see that you’re free

Without me, you’ll be…

Free, without me

You’re free

Free, without me

You’re free

Now don’t worry ’bout a thing

You can fly without my wings

I know you’ll make it on your own, I know

Yeah if you stand up and be strong

I know you’ll carry on

And I know that you will see that you’re free

Without me

A/N:  This entry is the first of a series of entries to be written in story form.  A fictional representation of what has been going on in my life. Character names are taken from various games, or stories to represent real people in my life. I think people who read this are smart enough to know which part is for “story-purposes” and which parts are my actual thoughts and feelings.

And yes, I base myself on Grayson Pierce of James Rollins’ Sigma Force novel series. Expect to see Seichan soon

Prologue

I swore off writing for a while just because I felt that I didn’t need the stress of having to explain my already blunt point to certain people who have trouble reading between the lines. Not that I mean to be antagonistic, but I don’t really feel like sugar-coating anything I say right now. I’m back again but with nothing to write… yet. So with a little less than 15 minutes before 3 in the morning, I thought I’d at least try to muster some words.

I guess, given the benefit of the doubt, that some people do wonder what has happened to me, where I’ve been, or what changed me to the point where I am today. The answers to which, seem fairly obvious, but I’m not that shallow, and there are many underlying causes to this. Some, or most, you can probably write off as my fault because I am unable to execute the ideal solution to solving the problem, be forewarned, however, that you should, as the cliche goes, put yourself not only in my shoes, but also in my mindset. Sometimes, the answers are a lot deeper than the What’s, How’s and Why’s.

Yes, I changed, that is my fault. My inability to prevent this change (whether positive or negative is arguable) may or may not be 100% on me depending on your views whether or not you place all weight on myself or weight past experiences as catalysts to the change.

The most noticeable of which is that I seemed to shut myself out from the world, from most of the people I cared for and loved. Granted maybe some just don’t know how to approach, some would think I would just rather avoid (in which case they are sorely mistaken and probably didn’t know me well enough to think that), even some showed fear or even worry in the change I have undertaken. But its really simple in my case.

I’m phsyically, emotionally and mentally spent. So if you wonder why I’m not as I am before, its because I’m just balled up in a corner. If you care to talk, I do, but I’m tired of making the effort to talk at random. In my mind, if you cared enough, you would’ve come up to me any way.

Its a lonely yet reasonable way to see who your real friends are at times. But somehow, those that do still manage to keep me a-float. To those friends that did; my high school family, to the few people in college who apparently gives a damn about me which includes, but are not limited to; My twitter buddy (kilala mo kung sino ka, dahil isa ka lang diba ganda?) and Tumblr/Chat buddies who give me a great reprieve from the thoughts lingering in my head with the randomness of things we talk about every now and then (usually related to J or K culture). Thank you.

There is more to be written in the coming days or weeks. Perhaps this is all just a peek. But everything on my mind is all literally summarized in the lyrics of the following song:

Tonight I feel like the world won’t miss me

So much to say but there’s no one listening

If we’re alone are we all together in that

I threw a penny in a well for wishing

And prayed for all the things I think I’m missing

A little time is all I really need

I am doing the best I can with everything I am

Don’t you know nobody’s perfect

Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can

The best I can

A second chance to give you something

It takes a lifetime to come from nothing

I refuse to believe in running away

I am doing the best I can with everything I am

Don’t you know nobody’s perfect

Do you understand how hard I’m trying for you

I am doing the best I can with everything I am

Don’t you know I think you’re worth it

Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can

The best I can

I got a picture of what matters and I keep it close to my heart

It’s a little faded but so am I

Cause I am doing the best I can with everything I am

Don’t you know nobody’s perfect

Do you understand how hard I’m trying for you

I am doing the best I can with everything I am

Don’t you know I think you’re worth it

Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can

The best I can [3x]

The best I can

The best I can

And I’m doing, oh I’m doing the best I can

I am, I’m doing the best, oh the best I can

The best I can, oh the best I can

Oh I keep doing, keep trying

Coming Soon: Pro Dai, and what this has to do with me

I wonder/wander

When the paper’s crumpled up, it can’t be perfect again – Linkin Park, “Forgotten”

Beware! The answer you seek may forever change your life for the worst. We live not to forget our past but rather, to learn from it – Freya Crescent, Final Fantasy IX 

I asked myself if people considered the contradictions in old sayings that people would, without much thought, believe holds true (I recall an assignment on this during Social Psychology class). Some examples would be “Out of sight, Out of mind” vs “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”, “Opposites attract” vs “Birds of the same feather flock together.”

Or how about “Wait for it” vs “Go out and make it happen.” I believe y’all are smart people that I do not even need to address what I’m referring to in this last comparison.

Honestly, I don’t really know what to write right now, I spent roughly an hour searching for an old friend of mine which was in vain (I may have found her LinkedIn account, but without a picture, its hard to verify) so I decided to just stop and felt that I just had to write, so let me ramble for a while. After all, its been a month since I last wrote, I didn’t really tag anyone then because I refused to be bombarded with questions at that time, I still feel the irony in the single like I received, and questioned if they really read what I wrote. But the same question still stands: “Where do I go from here?”

It has also been a while since I wrote something completely free from melancholy. I once wrote that there is a strange dynamic of melancholy and happiness that I believed in, that same dynamic that I am living in right now. A peaceful, yet sad state of hopelessness tinged with a frail hope. And its even funnier that what makes that whole dynamic possible is that frail hope that keeps the happiness from being dominated by the melancholy. Its sad really. I’ve become a victim of my own words.

I recall the core concepts of that article was regret, discontent and the inability to move on. And I strived not to regret, and I’ve actually done steps to move on. Even took steps that people did not think I was able to make. I tried to be content with what I am, but again, I ask myself, how to be content when you believe you deserve something better.

Then again, Occam’s Razor, or the law or parsimony, rears its ugly head. In making the fewest assumptions, perhaps I(we) should stop assuming that I deserve better, that I am “this and that” positive thing etc etc. Just stick to the simplest facts. And I know, I know, we can’t help but assume, that the world revolves around assumptions and expectations, and they are only bad if you pin all your hopes on a bad assumption.

Sadly, that frail hope is slowly being extinguished by the logic of the gambler’s fallacy: Just because I’m having “lots of bad breaks” right now doesn’t mean that eventually, I will have a lot of good breaks. The chances of me having “bad luck” tomorrow and even 10 years from now is the same as the chance I will have “good luck”

Perhaps this is why I don’t gamble.

But if there’s one thing that’s for sure, there are a few things that are on my mind right now, despite the lack of words to explain myself.

1. I am spent, physically and emotionally.

2. I have become a pessimist in certain aspects, but I really wish someone would prove me wrong someday. (or at least bring me back to the old optimistic me)

3. The Traditional words of encouragement don’t work anymore. I have stopped believing in them.

and finally.

4. I feel that if people can’t handle the fact that I’ve changed, they’re going to drop me sooner or later. I’m not worth the effort anyway.

All I ask right now is just one night where I can sleep in peace without my mind torturing me.

A/N: I didn’t expect this rant to go on so long. Surprising really.

Where do we go now

Its not that I’m unhappy with where I am right now. I’m perfectly fine. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I didn’t see myself here, and I know I could have been happier, that’s what makes it sad.

Its not that you don’t understand, you probably do. But I guess its just that you don’t know because you’ve never experienced it before that you will never truly comprehend that. Things don’t look as painful if you’re just looking at it. I have as much right as any person to be sad, especially on something I invested, and perhaps if you did, you wouldn’t cheer me up with a consolation.

Its not that I was lying whenever I said it was ok, maybe its because I was, but not always, and we both know if I said otherwise, it wouldn’t help our case at all, sometimes we need someone to look in our eyes and tell us “I know you’re not ok, and I know why.”

Its not that there could be another eventually, there could be, but the doubt seeps in from the fact that I don’t feel good enough for anyone. After all, a real and romantic gesture means nothing if you do not meet one’s credentials.

Maybe its because I thought you didn’t care, maybe you do. Maybe its just nothing to you, maybe not, maybe it bothers you too, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you just don’t want to do anything, maybe you do, maybe you think its better to walk away, or you just don’t know what to do.

But maybe the sadness stems from the fact that I have stood by my promise. And as the year passed, it dawns upon me that you were the road I walked in my life while I was just a speed bump or an intersection in yours. Maybe it stems from the fact that all this time, I feel that you were always ashamed of what I felt and thus did your best to avoid and quell it, that you would always refuse to take about anything you feel towards me, regardless if it was rough or not, always going with the safe or passive answers. Maybe its because you don’t trust me.

But whichever of these maybe’s are true, there is one thing that is for certain:

I don’t know where to go any more. Moving forward is the obvious answer, but where is forward? Everything’s a blur

A peace that transcends all understanding

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.

Desiderata, Max Ehrmann

 

To be quite honest, when conceptualizing this entry that was inspired by my dear metaphorical sister yet literal really really really great and close friend, the thought process went like this: Quote, Anecdote, Lesson. And while, perhaps, that is still going to be the traditional format of this entry, after much thought and contemplation (and no, this is not a cop out,) I figured that the best way to drive the point of this entry is to be as simple as possible.

 

There is a certain feeling when you see someone at peace with him or herself. The peace of mind that they have achieved radiates and can be contagious if you let it be. Today, we have been led to believe that there is so much to do that we have to sacrifice our alone time just to achieve and gain what we need that we forget to stop a moment, go into our rooms quietly and calm ourselves down and be at peace with ourselves. We neglect ourselves thinking that our bodies should be able to sacrifice for the betterment of our lives; that our mind should be able to comprehend that the world moves too fast for us to slow down.

 

But when everything is falling apart and we start to burn out, only then do we realize that we owe it to ourselves to have our alone time to be vulnerable and search for peace.

 

Recently, I read an article on how to pray properly which really struck me. These things, I should already know but the power of these words struck so hard because its something that needs to be emphasized. In the search for peace, I turned to prayer (which should always be the natural course of action) and there are key concepts that come with that prayer. Are we praying with the eagerness to talk to our God? Are we praying as if we are talking to our God or just reciting a monologue on how our day goes. Prayer is communication, and that means more than just talking. The reason that we pray in silence is so that we can actively listen to God when he talks as well.

 

When we pray, we can be honest with our God, even if sometimes we are frustrated or confused. Look at the Psalms of David, there are some which show his confusion or fear or frustration because David is human just like us and we have a God that understands our humanity, a God that understands, a God that can handle our hesitancy so long as we have faith in Him and abide by His words.

 

Maybe the question on your mind is “Why is peace (of mind) so important in one’s life?” That, I can not answer, for it will differ for every single person, but, all I know is that it is worth having; even if it means slightly lower exam scores, income, social life etc. Because in the end, YOU are more important than what you achieve.

 

I shall leave you with a thought and one of my life verses:

 

While people strive for peace all over the world, wouldn’t the best way to start is to find peace within yourself?

 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV version)

 

A peace that transcends all understanding…

 

That sounds beautiful doesn’t it? 🙂

Beauty and Madness

The Rhodora

On being asked, whence is the flower.

In May, when sea-winds pierced our solitudes,
I found the fresh Rhodora in the woods,
Spreading its leafless blooms in a damp nook,
To please the desert and the sluggish brook.
The purple petals fallen in the pool
Made the black water with their beauty gay;
Here might the red-bird come his plumes to cool,
And court the flower that cheapens his array.
Rhodora! if the sages ask thee why
This charm is wasted on the earth and sky,
Tell them, dear, that, if eyes were made for seeing,
Then beauty is its own excuse for Being;
Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose!
I never thought to ask; I never knew;
But in my simple ignorance suppose
The self-same power that brought me there, brought you.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

today, I remembered this poem that was introduced to me way back during the third year of High school (And Josel, you should remember this, pareho tayo ng teacher.) It spoke of the nature of beauty which prepped up the argument of whether beauty is in the eye of the beholder or with the thing beheld.

Ma’am Soriano proceeded to talk about the setting of the poem. Why would the Rhodora be found in such a desolate place described by Emerson. Wouldn’t its beauty be wasted in such a place? A beauty that rivals that of the rose?

“Of course not” she said. “The purpose of the Rhodora there is to be beautiful. To make that desolate place beautiful. And for us to realize that we can be beautiful even in times of desolation.”

Which begs the question: Is beauty in the eye of the beholder or in the thing beheld? Subjective or Objective?

Whatever the case may be, the purpose of beauty is for as to develop an appreciation for the said object. Perhaps there are things that were made to be beautiful. That, we can not change. But similarly, there are things that become beautiful as time passes. The Rhodora was always beautiful as Emerson pointed out, but in his “ignorance” he realized that as The Rhodora made its surroundings seem beautiful, it was also the harsh surroundings that made him realize how much more beautiful the Rhodora is.

It is why I believe that the most beautiful kind of love is the love that stands out even in its simplicity.

We all have our own beauty, although sometimes, we fail to see the beauty that lies within us. Looking at all the subtle erasures in our drawings but failing to appreciate the wonderful masterpiece right in front of us. The madness that consumes us as we try to meet standards of beauty we perceive that other people expect from us not realizing that the standards that matters are our own.

Never, ever let anyone, make you feel any less special than how much special you actually are.

Over there, just beneath the moon,
There’s a man with a burden to keep,
Now sleep will fall, washouts, rags and paperbags
Homes and lives passing by.

Who will see the beauty in your life
And who will be there to hear you when you call
Who will see the madness in your life.
And who will be there to catch you if you fall.

Dreams run wild, as lovers find their way through the right,
Not a care in the world
And over there, oh the twinkling of the lights, harbour lights
Say goodnight one more time

Transcending humanity despite Pain (inspired by Ms. Despi)

All pain manifests in the mind. Regardless of its source, it is the mind that interprets signals and tells us where we feel pain. Whether it is a physical pain, psychosomatic pain or even emotional pain (suffering, depending on how you define it) we can all attribute these feelings to our mind.

Given these facts, it is natural for humans to want to avoid pain. Pain avoidance is an instinct that we have in order to preserve ourselves after all. If we were to imagine pain as a sentient being, try thinking of pain as a general who seeks to attack in multiple fronts. This entry, will take a look at one of the fronts that pain attacks: The self.

Now let’s be clear that when I say self, I don’t mean the literal body, but our mind (again not the literal brain), our sense-of-self, values, character. When pain strikes that front, we sometimes waver in our steadfast beliefs. We begin to despair and let suffering invade us. As we start to comprehend all these things, hope, and the thought that something better will come out from this slowly becomes absurd to us. All there is is the now, and right now, it hurts. That’s all that matters.

And yet it is natural, for we are human. How then can we actually take the saying “No pain, no gain” or any of its variations seriously?

If there’s one thing we humans have the capability of, it is our ability to transcend ourselves. To rise above what is “natural” and re-define our own humanity. It is how we are able to face the pain and yet continue to move forward. It is human for us to go on with our lives because the pain that has been holding us back has been severed, but it is transcendent of our humanity for us to move forward DESPITE the fact that we may still feel the pain. Just like fear, pain is a general who will make you believe the illusion that he has you dominated, when in fact YOU have a superior force and will.

Just like fear, pain seeks to cripple us but it is with our sheer force of will, we can mold that pain into a fuel to push us forward, stronger than ever.

One must not misunderstand this as an excuse to dish out pain “for bettering our lives.” No. Pain happens, but it should not happen unnecessarily. After all, one must not wield a weapon he cannot handle or control.

So stand up, stand in the rain and walk forward, as we mature, we will all realize there will be…

“Beauty From Pain”

-superchick

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know I’m alive but I feel like I’ve died

And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made

I try to keep warm but I just grow colder

I feel like I’m slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best I can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can’t understand why this happened

I know that I will when I look back someday

And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)

Tryin’ to hold to what I can’t see (to what I can’t see)

I forgot how to hope

This night’s been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain

After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain

Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

This is the only recent picture I have of me and Dianne, and this picture is like 5 or 6 years old.

A/N. As mentioned, this entry was inspired and is dedicated to the ever lovable Ms. Dianne Despi. Her introduction and call to worship in today’s service was simply beautiful.

Anyone can make a very solid case that you are the girl with the best and fastest wit I know. You also are the only person who can say “You are an evil Hellspawn kuya” and still make it sound so cute with the biggest smile (or the equivalent expression for WTFISWRONGWITHYOU.) Her utter disdain for the sport of basketball is very amusing and for a smart woman with an alluring voice, you can bet your money that she can kick your ass in more ways than one if you really piss her off.

As you leave for Korea tonight to pursue graduate studies, I wish you God Bless and Godspeed. And I promise that when we chat soon, I will give you a very very very very good reason to laugh at me (and I know that is one of your favorite past-times)

Introduction

So I’m making a wordpress so that I can put in one location of the vast cyber-real-estate the stuff that I write. Note that these can be as recent as last week or as old as seven years ago when I first started blogging. Some may be good, some may be relatively mediocre. But hey, what’s important is that we keep writing.

Currently though, I’ve been reading the articles on “Why you should date an illiterate girl” and the response, “Why you should date a girl who reads.”

Perhaps when real life lets up a bit, I should write on why you should date a guy who writes =)